what is happening to our country now?

it was heartbreaking to hear the news about 46 lives lost all because of political gain. why must one take innocent lives to gain power? to make sure the said position would remain theirs? life unfair, why does it have to be politically as well?

my heart goes out to the families of the victims.

this event solidly justified how corrupt and dirty our politics are here in the country. that even our own president had close ties with these soul-less murderers. i just hope when the time comes, they get the karma they deserve.

justice for the departed reporters and victims. i hope this would be the last. our hearts and country can't take it anymore. :(

huling hirit

kung sabihin ko naman na di pwede, gagawa ka naman ng paraan na masunod pa rin ang gusto mo eh. ganyan na kita kilala. you'll still "force" what you want.

kelan kaya darating ang araw na masusunod yung sinabi ko?

Life

sometimes having a conversation with my almost 4 year old son is much better than conversing with people my age or older. things make more sense with a 4 year old than a regular adult... for some reason, there's perspective.

rainy days

after the intense heat the past few weeks, God must have had enough of our complaints and now sent over some showers. but stil we complain. we're such a hard to please crowd.

a friend from plurk once mentioned that the rains now are a blessing. it washes away the impurities in the air - at the same time the news broke out about the sudden spread of the carriers of the dreaded swine flu. isn't this God's way of telling us that we better stay indoors, in the comforts of our homes until it's over?


now if that can happen to us working parents. the only comfort is that the kids are safe and cozy at home.

thank you lord for the rain even if i get my feet wet and get that icky feeling.

quoting incubus

whatever tomorrow brings, i'll be there
with open arms and and open eyes..

and it somehow uplifted my weary spirit at times like this. incubus couldn't have said it better when it comes to thinking positive and just facing the world.

so i say, bring it on world. i'm ready.

blog and you might win a moleskine!

join toni's promo and get the chance to win your very own moleskine journal! just answer the question:

visit this link to join. with special mention to Avalon.ph for the generosity. visit their site as well, this is to feed your book loving appetite.

~0~

here's my entry:

i would wrtie in my moleskine all my thoughts, dreams, poetry and everyday musings. i have been a collector of notebooks where i write down things that come to my mind. i would bring my moleskine with me everywhere i go because you cannot put thoughts on hold. once it's there, it's there and to capture that moment, one must write it down.

all the thoughts that i'll write down in my moleskine would serve as my memoirs that i would gladly hand down to my kids as an invitation into what goes on inside the mind of their mom and in a way, would help them get to know me better, not only as a mom but as a person with a passion to write. i will not be ashamed of the things that i will write in my moleskine, there may be entries of hate, of anguish, of sadness, but there will be entries of jubilation, of celebrations, of triumphs and happiness. my moleskine will be the repository of all emotions felt and shared. of dreams once hidden.

~0~

i hope i get to win! wish me luck! =)

changes

a lot of things has happened the past few weeks. it may have been the reason why i was so stressed and tired everyday. the only consolation i had was i had unlimited internet access in the office where i can de-stress even for a bit. take a few minutes off work and just relax.

as much as i wanted to blog about things, i tend to forget.

so anyway, here are the few things that happened:

speaking of changes, one big change happened here in the office. our digital publisher resigned, my sales manager resigned, my new partner resigned. which leaves me all alone in our sales department. the downside to this arrangement is that all the pressure is on me. all the quota is on me. the silver lining that i can see as of this moment is that, all the efforts i exert in this would be all mine. really.

but then, it is kinda lonely now going to meetings and presentations.

but as hubby said, he has faith in me. i can do it. which i'd like to think so. i think the universe has conspired to give me a chance to prove myself and my worth to the company i have been dreaming of working for.

and i guess now's the time to step up and make myself known.

don't you think?

Not your Girly-Girl

I have been subscribing to several fashion blogs, just reading about their latest get up, outfits, finds etc. makes me envious, giddy and drooling at the same time.

Personally, I have no fashion IQ at all. Hold up a picture of a Gucci bag and a Prada bag and I won’t be able to tell which is which – as long as I can’t see the logo i'm lost. I repear i have zero fashion IQ.

When I get to read Cosmo, Preview, Marie Claire and all those fashion magazines, I can’t help but dream that one day, I get to be one of those lucky girls that were given an awesome makeover, from head to toe. or just get to own that featured, dress, shoe, bag etc. oh yes even make up and those beauty products.

And since i said i have zero Fashion IQ, I’ll let you in on a semi-secret. I can’t walk properly in heels. Imagine a guy wearing heels. Yup, that’s how I walk.

Growing up, I hated wearing dresses and other girly clothes maybe because growing up in the 80’s and being forced to wear those hideous dresses was traumatic on every sense of the word. But, lets say the dresses and girly things kids wear and use now were the ones in style during my day, I guess I would be one of those girly girls. Seriously.

At that time, boys’ and men’s fashion were more appealing to me. Shirts, jeans, sneakers, etc. I wanted to won one. Remember the time when guys would wear low waist jeans? I had one. Remember when birks with socks were in? I wore that too, with shorts and polo shirt to boot. Tomboy much? Yeah.

So I guess, it’s only now that I realized that I have to change my perspective when it comes to dressing up. I think I have been too casual when it comes to choosing outfits for work, for play, for going out and for formal occasions. And I think it’s time to be a girly girl once and for all. i think hubby’s having enough of a boyish wife. I thin deep inside, he’s screaming for a wife that can knock his socks off and show off to the world, not the me that can be dragged to drinking sessions being one of the boys.

But.

It does not mean it’s a total 360 degree turn. I still love my own fashion sense, it’s just that I need more “personalities” to play with. Haha

Now, where can I find those makeover contests?

so busy lately it's not even funny anymore. but i love the challenge. it takes my mind off this thing that has been bothering me the whole week.

~

now i'm really hell-bent on looking for a job abroad. something that would really motivate me. finally, in one way or another, my family's plans will push through.

~

it's quite comforting that even if i can't see my bestfriend that often, somewhere across the city, she knows what i'm feeling and i feel the same way for her. that we are both, somewhere in the middle of things that are quite tearing us apart inside. she may not know all the details, i may not know all about hers, but in some cosmic way - we understand. all it needs is a quick email, and a lot of cyber hugs.

so ple, must meet up soon! coffee or something?

~

Lola Honey's Death anniversary

got a sms from my mom last night. she asked me if i can go with her to my lola's grave. i thought at first she just wanted to visit my lola, but what came as a shock was, today is her death anniversary.
i didn't realize it has been a year since my lola passed away. again, sadeness washed over me and all the memories i had with her came back.

i even remembered the dream i had of her 2 days after she passed away. she was playfully scolding me for being such a crybaby. (that night i had the dream i was crying my eyes out in front of her casket) she was telling me she's happy now and in my dream she was with my lolo. although lolo goding was just there standing looking at me. can't remember if his look was curious or proud in seeing his first grandchild again after 25 years.

so after that dream, i stopped, cold turkey in being a crybaby. i don't know if it's a good thing or not. but the bottom line is, at least lola's happy now.

and for sure tonight i might get a dream visit from her again. i really miss her. and of course her cooking.

can't wait to talk to her in my dream and tell her she's going to have another grandchild on the way. finally from my uncle who has been trying to have one after they got married.

but still, i'm still happy-sad today. happy that i have another guardian angel watching over me and the kids and sad because lola honey isn't here physically.

* i called my lolas (maternal and paternal) names not based on their names or nicknames. but my own pet names for them: hence, lola darling and lola honey.

if you could say a little prayer for lola honey, that would be great. i'm sure she'd love that. include lola darling na rin. =)

go speedracer go!

ple and i watched speedracer last saturday in megamall. much to my excitement in getting to watch a premiere, one thing slipped my mind. it was the 3 day sale of megamall. so imagine my shock when i saw almost the entire metro manila population (exagg, pero it felt like it) walking the whole stretch of the mall. babies, infants on strollers, mothers, fathers, grandparents, kids, lovers, you name it they were there. along with the sweltering summer heat. it was torture.

the upside of this, i was able to buy 2 cute sandals for work. yey!

so anyway, on to speedracer.

i'm not going to go into the full movie review thing. i'm not going to pretend i'm this expert on movies. so i'll just post as a typical blogger who was able to watch a movie - after all these years. the last time i was able to watch a movie was... a long time ago. see, i can't even remember the last movie i saw.

but i digress. on with the comments:

> the film was colorful. vivid, striking, in your face colors. it was like watching a comic book come to life.
> the cgi was superb. but quite dizzying especially the racing part.
> obviously it was directed by the matrix directors. the signature matrix "chenes" we all know.
> everytime we see Rain, we can't help but snicker and remember his clear commercial.
> i find cristina ricci a bit old for the role of trixie. but i guess she looks quite cartoonish to fit the part.
> there were some parts that were quite dragging that i can't help but make chika with ple while watching. hehe sorry ple!
> overall, it's a light movie that the kids would enjoy. i think mine will with their love for cars and all.

but we are still looking forward to watching Ironman soon. :P

all I want right now, at this moment is to escape. Be free from all the negativity, the worry, the sadness, the ill thoughts.

I just want peace

I’m not one who can deal with stress like normal people would. I would detach myself from everything until everything around me gets affected. Which I am not even aware of. Unintentionally of course. For being so detached that I tend to not focus on anything. Just be blank. And wish that things weren’t real. I tend to be zombie like until I get numb. And the things and situations around me become routine that I just go through them day in and day out.

As much as I would love to talk about it and shout it out to those who would listen without being judgmental. I simply can’t because, they will get judgmental. They will think bad thoughts. They will speak behind our backs. They will ruin us.

As much as I would want to sweep things under the rug and forget about it. I can’t. it won’t let me.

I suck at this. I’ve been keeping to myself a lot of issues but in the end it’s still me who loses. It’s still me who gets hurt. It’s still me crying alone when everybody’s sleeping. It’s still me who has to deal with it. It’s still me.

How can I stay positive when these things have been plaguing me the first time I heard it. I was quite grateful that I was able to know about it rather than be left all alone in the dark and oblivious.

It’s so painful. I never imagined that this would happen. As much as I would want to not think about it since there is still no validity in all of this. It’s still hard. People are involved. A lot of relationships will get ruined. A lot of issues will surface. And I can’t handle that.

I always thought that I was one of the lucky ones to lead a semi perfect life. But I guess it will never happen if this thing is proven.

I just can’t deal really. It’s all too new and scary and shocking and depressing all at the same time.

I told myself never to go back being depressed but with the way things are turning out, I can’t seem to do that. I’ve been having a hard time getting the sleep I need and this is not what I need right now. This is adding fuel to the fire. I can’t even tell the people I’m close to. They might understand but they won’t fully understand because even I can’t understand it. How will I get myself across when I haven’t seen the other side?

I just need the strength right now. Getting it from where, I don’t know. I still have to find that. I’ve lost all motivation and I have to retrace my steps and find my way back. But I guess the birds must have eaten the bread crumbs. And I’m lost in the middle of a forest.

Help me get through this.

separation anxiety

because my little big boy's starting summer school on monday.

and i'm the one who's scared and excited at the same time.

will he have fun? will he cling to me when i leave him with his classmates?

will he be excited to go to school the next day?

~

aishi and i finally chose a good school for kyle, without the steep tuition fees. thank god and the heavens for the answered prayer! amen!!

everything's in order, we no just have to buy kyle his school shoes, bag and lunchbox. which of course has to be Thomas the tank and nothing else - as requested by kyle.

which i am having a hard time looking for it! help?

~

uploaded my kids' first summer outing at home in their mini pool.

good times :) and happy faces!

6 years...

I’m going to meet up with my college friends after 6 long years. The last time I saw them was when we graduated, we’ve gone our separate ways and pursued our own careers. Literally 6 long years.

It just equates that I have also been working for 6 years. Fresh our of college, I had a job waiting for me. I lasted 6 months. It wasn’t the career path I wanted. I took it for the experience.

A month after, I was working in a bank for as a junior assistant manager for customer service. The title sounds so proper and high paying, but behind that I was on the phone all day talking to clients, answering inquiries, requests and most of all complaints. Can’t complain really and answer back, I was under customer service, you got to have a smile on your face. Everytime. I got tired of the job after a year and 9 months. the upside though is here is where i met hubby. =)

Then worked for an internet search engine. Found my passion and I felt I’ll stay in this industry longer. I did, 2 years and 6 months I think. Had two kids during that. But somewhere along the way, people changed and I wasn’t or didn’t like the change at all.

Took a break, became a full time mom for about 6 months, found another job, stayed there for 4 months. Politics became quite dirty. It was like working in the government. For some reason, I think my boss hated my guts, the way I work and the way how I easily made friends. (in short – insecure).

Currently, working for almost 2 months in one of the companies I have dreamed of being part of. It was all under “how I wish I could work for this oompany” and here I am. And this time I have this gut feeling that I’m going to last longer than 2 years.

Not unless we migrate earlier than expected though. =)

Looking forward to catching up with my friends too.

-funny how this blog entry was supposed to be about meeting up with my friends, turned into a flashback of who I worked for.

That’s what I get for free writing/typing.