thought bubbles

how can you remain positive when the people around you are so negative that sometimes, it just rubs off you. as much as you want to avoid it, they seem to gravitate towards you, perhaps trying to suck you in into their own sad world.

how can i raise my kids with all the good vibes and positive energy if these people keep on blocking it off?

if i had a choice, i'd leave them all behind. after all, they only think about themselves and what benefits them, so why not do the same for my kids?

but of course i can't because, i just can't.

the quest for the yaya

as mentioned before, we were faced with the dilemma of looking for a yaya at the last minute because kyle's yaya left at the last minute because of a scruffle. i don't want to go into the details anymore since we've forgiven and forgotten the incident already. we've found a new yaya for kyle/kade, albeit temporarily since she lasted only 3 weeks with us. i can't blame her since she's a mother as well and looking after your kid is every mom's priority. again, we're grateful for the service she gave us, she was a gem but we have to let her go.

anyway, just a little rant while i'm on the topic of yaya hunting. i was able to get a referral from a friend who knows this person who let's say searches for potential yayas. i got in touch with her. after a few sms exchanges, and a short notice meeting, we agreed. hubby and i agreed to travel all the way to commonwealth with the promise that she'll meet with us binging with her the potential yaya. we arrived at 9pm. traffic was hell but we took it all in, for the sake of finding a yaya. we even had kade in tow with us.

after a few sms with her, i found it quite odd that since she's within the area, she was no yet there. i called her up, asked her where she was. the exchange that followed was quite odd:

me: ate nasaan na po kayo? andito na po kami
ate: ay sandali lang po, wala pa po kami dyan, hinihintay ko pa po yung yaya para sa inyo.
me: akala ko po ba na kasama nyo na siya?
ate: ay umalis lang po saglit. magkita na lang po tayo sa may mcdo. i text ko na lang po kayo
me: matagal pa po ba yan kasi alas-9 na po eh taga makati pa po kami.
ate: opo. pahintay na lang po

from there, it was quite odd already. my paranoid self was screaming inside. we must leave now, i think smell a scam. i told hubby to wait for a few mintues, if she texts me, then we'll meet her if she doesn't we'll leave. we waited, had a late dinner even and no text. so i sent her a last message that we can't wait for her anymore and we're leaving. she then sends a message: ay mam, paalis na po kami. mauuna na lang ako para ma meet ko na rin kayo tapos papasunod ko na lang siya dito.

but i declined and told here we've left already. i told her i'll get in touch with her next time if we need her again (i guess this is never haha)

so we went home yaya-less. again.

but blessings come in the form of surprises and the next day my mom told me that she found a yaya for us. (the one mentioned earlier that had to leave after 3 weeks).

but we weren't left yaya less again for long, after a few days, with the help of our trusted labandera/plantsadora, she broguth with her one friday morning our new yaya. and so far she's good. nice to the kids, very attentive, takes initiative and very easy to talk to. i sure hope this one stays longer. this time i'm crossing my fingers.

huling hirit

kung sabihin ko naman na di pwede, gagawa ka naman ng paraan na masunod pa rin ang gusto mo eh. ganyan na kita kilala. you'll still "force" what you want.

kelan kaya darating ang araw na masusunod yung sinabi ko?

how apt for the moment...

just a few minutes ago... blame friday madness...

Nothings so loud
As hearing when we lie
The truth is not kind
And youve said neither am i
But the air outside so soft is saying everything
Everything

All I want is to feel this way
To be this close, to feel the same
All I want is to feel this way
The evening speaks, I feel it say...

Nothings so cold
As closing the heart when all we need
Is to free the soul
But we wouldnt be that brave I know
And the air outside so soft, confessing everything
Everything

And it wont matter now
Whatever happens to me
Though the air speaks of all well never be
It wont trouble me

And it feels so close
Let it take me in
Let it hold me so
I can feel it say...

highlighted parts are the best...

just a sinking feeling

Some friends know that I love to rant about anything and everything. I find it as my coping mechanism to somehow not breakdown and get all crazy about something that wound me up. Whether it’s about work, personal stuff or just something that bothered me out of the blue. I just need to let it out or else it would just consume me like acid melting some material. That bad.

Just this afternoon, I had this sudden sinking feeling that for some reason I have come to realize that I’m the one losing in this set up at work. It feels as if the accounts that I handled before that I tried to bring over the digital side was taken from me and at the same time began to realize that they do need digital in their lives. Considering the fact that I am an AE for digital. How sad and ironic can that get? It feels as if I’m starting all over again. On the bright side it is a welcome challenge to excel and exceed expectations, but the depressing thing in this scenario is that after all the efforts of convincing, some other person would reap the rewards. Quite painful but nothing to cry over I guess.

I just need it to get it off my chest or else this would really affect how I work in the coming days. Now all I need is one last rant to hubby before we sleep then all would be better.

feb 13, 2009 - friday the 13th

this date will forever be etched in my mind. this is the day that i experienced my first ever spotting. after 2 pregnancies, this is the only time that i was this delicate pregnant working mom. it sure did scare the poop out of me and hubby.

let's start from the beginning shall we?

friday, feb 13. i was scheduled to attend two presentations to clients. one in the morning at 10 am and the other at 130pm. i met up with my publisher at the client's office since our house was much nearer. and lessens the hassle of going to the office then back to makati. so anyway, presentation went smoothly, we even bought food for almost the entire agency. presentation was over around 12noon. just in time for lunch. my publisher and i ate at the nearest food joint since the next presentation was near and within the area.

after lunch we proceeded to starbucks to buy some snacks for the next presentation. i was feeling a bit tired after walking a few meters from the previous venue. and since we are in makati, the only way to go was the underpass. so anyway, on to the next presenation at 130. everything was going smooth. the clients enjoyed the presentation and the snacks of course.

after the presentation and while waiting for our driver to bring us back to the office, i went to the nearest washroom to pee. and from there, things went crazy. the moment i prepared myself to pee. i saw blood. lots of it actually, it looked as if i was having my period. i tired to compose myself after peeing. i slowly returned back to where my colleagues were. sent an sms to my ob informing her of what i found out. i nonchalantly told my publisher that i can't go back to the office with him. a bit puzzled, he asked why. i calmly told him that i was at that moment experiencing spotting. he started to panic, i told him it was ok, since i had called up my hubby earlier and asked him to pick me up. i asked him if he could possibly relay to our boss that i can't go back to the office and i have to head to the hospital asap and have myself checked. at that time, i kept calling hubby and reassuring him that i was ok and i just want to go to the hospital asap since my ob was waiting for me. thank god hubby was only 15 mins away from where we are.

my publisher and some colleagues were the first ones to leave and were a bit worried and concerned in leaving me all alone in the coffee shop. i told them my hubby's on his way and i'll keep them posted. a few mins after they left, hubby was there to pick me up. we headed over to his house which is near the hospital to pick up his mom so that i'll have a companion (my mom can't go with me since she has to look after the kids first) but she was the next person i kept on calling after hubby.

anyway, side rant, all the while i was keeping this calm composure since i don't want to stress myself out and add to the panic and worry vibe from the people around me. and here comes my MIL who in a way was indirectly insinuating that it might be my fault that's why i had spotting that i'm not taking care of the baby enough, that i kept on lifting heavy things etc. etc. in short it';s my fault. and from there i started crying. i mean if she was sensitive enough she shouldn't have said that. my own mother didn't say that to me. i just felt hurt and didn't talk to her after. good thing hubby had the right mind to tell her off.

anyway, once we reached the hospital, my ob ordered an ultrasound to check up on the baby. she did an IE as well to verify everything. i was diagnosed with a threatened abortion. she said it might be because of the stress at work that accumulated over time or it just happened for no reason at all. i told her i was stress free ever since i found out i was preggy. i avioded stress as much possible. (thank god i didn't hear anything from MIL after the diagnosis). but i was ordered complete bed rest for a week with meds to keep me and the baby safe.

the downside to the bedrest was the fact that i got bored easily. but i guess it's a blessing as well since i was able to catch up with the lack of sleep i had over the past few weeks and i got to bond more with my kids but with limited mobility.

overall, this experience was a blessing. that after all this ordeal, the baby is still healthy and on track with the development. seemed as if this incident never happened. i'm just grateful that there were people who were there who took care of me and made sure i was ok. and with that i am happy.

baby and i are doing great. both of us are growing by the day. (haha) and we're looking forward to the end of this month to find out the gender. (hoping for a girl this time )

now everytime i see that there's a friday the 13th, it reminds of that very scary day. so i'm praying that this friday the 13th would be smooth sailing. and nothing to worry about at all. :)

last night: ranting inside my head

mental note to self: avoid smoky and stuffy places to avoid a very bad allergic rhinitis attack.

and on our way home, i have been asked three times if i was ok, but obviously, just by looking at me, it was looking really bad. i was sniffling, sneezing and scratching my nose. it was the worst. but i managed to answer the three questions with consistency: i can't breathe properly at all.

and all the while, i thought that we were rushing to get home so that i could properly rest and clear my stuffy nose. but lo and behold, we were in fact rushing to the mcdonalds drive through.

sure, he bought food for himself since i don't have the strength to eat anymore. again, he asked if i was ok. i said i can manage i just want to get home. i was thinking, if i said i wasn't would that change anything? would he not go to mcdonalds and instead head home? of course not. he'd still order food while i struggle to clear my nose.

and before this happened i had to endure 30 minutes of waiting for them to finish chatting knowing that the bill has been paid and i have been telling him i was having a hard time breathing because i was having an allergy attack.

but of course, someone has to be the sacrificial lamb - as always. when will i get the chance that i get to sacrifice the lamb?

-rant over-

how music soothes the tired and weary soul

thank god for yahoo launchcast. and the music it spills out especially the top hits of the 90's requires two thumbs up.

one song after the other is a walk down memory lane when i was younger and had no clue what the lyrics meant. as long as the melody matched my mood, i was fine.

now listening to them all over again, the melody takes a backseat and the lyrics take centerstage. oh how it hits right places and emotions. sapul talaga.

in a way, it calms and uplifts me at the same time.

thank you music for being a constant companion.

~
apologies for all the drama, but i'm just going through some rough patches in life, work and everything else. i need to do some alignment.

RIP nike watch - an update

surprisingly, the watch appeared today. when MIL was going through the things in the bodega, which yesterday morning i rummaged through before going to work empty-handed. magic? divine intervention? or just plain guilt and karma? take your pick.

i guess someone, had a few sleepless nights of guilt.

so now, i'm happy. and i thought it will forever remain a memory. thanks mommy! thanks karma!

and today has been the happiest wednesday yet. =)

~~~

the nike watch aishi gave me disappeared. in his own home. and i guess this happened while we were sleeping.

sneaky sneaky.

it would've been ok had it not been aishi's xmas gift to me. it was a gift! not a spur of the moment purchase. it was a gift, given out of love.

i hope who ever took it, would have a change of heart. and i will not punish nor torment the person. i'm sure karma will serve something right.

what goes around, comes around.

now i'm watch-less all over again, just when i was enjoying having a watch on my wrist again...

bulleted thoughts

pardon the ranting. i'm having the worst friday ever

> ni thank you man lang wala akong narinig sa iyo, tapos sa akin pa ang blame kasi mas inuna niyo ang bakasyon kasya sa bagay na mas importante. malay ko ba kung pano ang sistema. malay ko ba doon. i was just doing you a favor and this is what i get? ako pa ang mali after following instructions from you, him and the person concerned. ako pa ang mali? ayos.

> ikaw naman, i was very gracious and kind in lending our laptop (take note, hindi sa akin sa pamilya ko) pero the thought of using it like your own and even bringing it to school without asking permission from me or hubby, it was just low. i'm sorry i won't be that trusting again. ever. pag nasira yan, hindi naman ikaw ang pagagalitan eh. and besides, important files ang andyan, thesis ng kapatid ko, pictures ng mga anak ko, files ng parents ko. LAHAT.

> naloloka ako sa iyo. ang gulo mong kausap! ayaw mo kasi makinig sa mga sinasabi ko at tuloy ka pa rin sa gusto mong mangyari. pero may onting fault naman ako, pero ginawa ko naman yung suggestion na yun para sa pakinabang natin 2 eh. kikita tayo dun. eh ikaw ang nag decide na wag na. so ngayon palabok na lahat. naman!! ayusin mo na yan! pabor na nga lahat sa inyo eh.

> sana hindi totoo ang mga nababalitaan ko. baka ikaw ang maging reason ng pagbagsak ko sa depression. sana lang. pero deep inside bakit feeling ko totoo? kahit naman i-deny mo, ako pa rin ang talo eh. pero ang daming magiging apektado pag totoo nga. san pa kaya ako pupulutin nyan?

this is one of those days that i wish i'm living in a different country far away from everything. can i please have something positive in my life? a clean slate to work with perhaps?

all I want right now, at this moment is to escape. Be free from all the negativity, the worry, the sadness, the ill thoughts.

I just want peace

I’m not one who can deal with stress like normal people would. I would detach myself from everything until everything around me gets affected. Which I am not even aware of. Unintentionally of course. For being so detached that I tend to not focus on anything. Just be blank. And wish that things weren’t real. I tend to be zombie like until I get numb. And the things and situations around me become routine that I just go through them day in and day out.

As much as I would love to talk about it and shout it out to those who would listen without being judgmental. I simply can’t because, they will get judgmental. They will think bad thoughts. They will speak behind our backs. They will ruin us.

As much as I would want to sweep things under the rug and forget about it. I can’t. it won’t let me.

I suck at this. I’ve been keeping to myself a lot of issues but in the end it’s still me who loses. It’s still me who gets hurt. It’s still me crying alone when everybody’s sleeping. It’s still me who has to deal with it. It’s still me.

How can I stay positive when these things have been plaguing me the first time I heard it. I was quite grateful that I was able to know about it rather than be left all alone in the dark and oblivious.

It’s so painful. I never imagined that this would happen. As much as I would want to not think about it since there is still no validity in all of this. It’s still hard. People are involved. A lot of relationships will get ruined. A lot of issues will surface. And I can’t handle that.

I always thought that I was one of the lucky ones to lead a semi perfect life. But I guess it will never happen if this thing is proven.

I just can’t deal really. It’s all too new and scary and shocking and depressing all at the same time.

I told myself never to go back being depressed but with the way things are turning out, I can’t seem to do that. I’ve been having a hard time getting the sleep I need and this is not what I need right now. This is adding fuel to the fire. I can’t even tell the people I’m close to. They might understand but they won’t fully understand because even I can’t understand it. How will I get myself across when I haven’t seen the other side?

I just need the strength right now. Getting it from where, I don’t know. I still have to find that. I’ve lost all motivation and I have to retrace my steps and find my way back. But I guess the birds must have eaten the bread crumbs. And I’m lost in the middle of a forest.

Help me get through this.

be careful what you say

the next time you open your mouth, be sure you won't regret it. because WE can and will do what you say. and you think we're scared of you?

i'll give you 2 weeks before you come pleading asking us to come visit you. well you made the wounds deeper. we won't come near you anymore.

why bother? when all the words come out of your mouth are filth and lies. you'd rather listen to people who would benefit you. we're not them. and besides i don't like you one bit. the first time you hated me so why would i think you changed your mind? by the way i hated your guts to. you're PLASTIC. my kids obviously don't like you too. kids are great judges of character. and i trust my kids' judgment.

so there. cutting off ties from people suits you well. let's just see you alone. when the time comes that you need help, don't expect us to be there after what you did and said.

i'm ok, just venting out after what i heard this morning. some people can be really selfish and would not listen. pity..

clearly not for me

we currently ran out of our usual shampoo which is head and shoulders, especially the menthol variant so we had no choice but to use clear. we bought clear out of curiosity and well, the lure of the advertising world. hehe

and i must say, clear is not friendly to my scalp. not at all. for the past week, my scalp has been itchy and my hair dry and hard to dry. so, no we're not going to buy clear again.

we're sticking back to head and shoulders. even if we don't have dandruff, this brand has been really kind to my scalp. and the reason why i love h&s? because this is the only shampoo that delivers its promise. if it says menthol, you'll really feel that your scalp is a bit menthol-y? or you feel that usual tingling sensation when you eat menthol candy. there.

i'm going to buy h&s later when i get home. itchy scalp, this is too much!!

starting off wrong

i woke up today thinking that the day will start off great. but i guess i was wrong.

i take the jeep to the MRT guadalupe station then get off ortigas station. that's my morning routine to get to the office. on most days everything runs smoothly from falling in line to riding the MRT. but today was different. some girl pissed me off today. as i was falling in line at ortigas station, the line was unusually slow. it happened that these group of girls were holding up the line and made the usual 2 lane exit into a one lane. so imagine two lines merging. hassle.

so what has this got to do with me? well, of all bad timings, this certain girl cut my line, inserted her card, her card got rejected therefore she couldn't move the swivel bars. so i thought it was ok already, she got the card so i inserted mine, but what do i get? a rejected card. how can my card get rejected when it still has 78 pesos in there. so to avoid another hassle to the other people behind me, i directly went to the booth to fix my card. and what do you know the girl's there.

what did i do? i sort of told her off. i talked to the cashier and told her that this girl messed up the line and had my card rejected. i even added some finger pointing so that she'll know she's the one i'm talking about. what did the girl do? NOTHING she was literally oblivious to what happened and what she did.

but i wouldn't let her ruin my day. and i hope it won't happen to us again.

ipapasa-diyos ko na lang siya