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My life unplugged

my daily thoughts and ramblings on motherhood, raising my kids, being a wife and everything else in between that matters in our life.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

all I want right now, at this moment is to escape. Be free from all the negativity, the worry, the sadness, the ill thoughts.

I just want peace

I’m not one who can deal with stress like normal people would. I would detach myself from everything until everything around me gets affected. Which I am not even aware of. Unintentionally of course. For being so detached that I tend to not focus on anything. Just be blank. And wish that things weren’t real. I tend to be zombie like until I get numb. And the things and situations around me become routine that I just go through them day in and day out.

As much as I would love to talk about it and shout it out to those who would listen without being judgmental. I simply can’t because, they will get judgmental. They will think bad thoughts. They will speak behind our backs. They will ruin us.

As much as I would want to sweep things under the rug and forget about it. I can’t. it won’t let me.

I suck at this. I’ve been keeping to myself a lot of issues but in the end it’s still me who loses. It’s still me who gets hurt. It’s still me crying alone when everybody’s sleeping. It’s still me who has to deal with it. It’s still me.

How can I stay positive when these things have been plaguing me the first time I heard it. I was quite grateful that I was able to know about it rather than be left all alone in the dark and oblivious.

It’s so painful. I never imagined that this would happen. As much as I would want to not think about it since there is still no validity in all of this. It’s still hard. People are involved. A lot of relationships will get ruined. A lot of issues will surface. And I can’t handle that.

I always thought that I was one of the lucky ones to lead a semi perfect life. But I guess it will never happen if this thing is proven.

I just can’t deal really. It’s all too new and scary and shocking and depressing all at the same time.

I told myself never to go back being depressed but with the way things are turning out, I can’t seem to do that. I’ve been having a hard time getting the sleep I need and this is not what I need right now. This is adding fuel to the fire. I can’t even tell the people I’m close to. They might understand but they won’t fully understand because even I can’t understand it. How will I get myself across when I haven’t seen the other side?

I just need the strength right now. Getting it from where, I don’t know. I still have to find that. I’ve lost all motivation and I have to retrace my steps and find my way back. But I guess the birds must have eaten the bread crumbs. And I’m lost in the middle of a forest.

Help me get through this.

2 comments:

stranger by the day said...

i love you!

*hug*

Daiz said...

Whatever you're going through, hope you come out of it alright and stronger. *hugs*