that facebook status

a lot of people have asked me after i posted this facebook status yesterday. i'm in no way looking for a fight. it was a mere observation and let's just say, a big nudge from my sixth sense (kutob). this has never failed me and i trust it 100%.

no matter how much a person hides their intention/agenda, i'm bound to sniff it out.

i've been through this several times. so it's no use to try to hide in in the guise of being all rowdy and funny with other people while hoping this person notices you. you've been read my dear and there's no use in hiding.

as much as i can i try not to confront the person. i'd rather not embarrass the person. but i make sure this person knows i mean business.

on the homefront...

the past few weeks have been quite hell for me. i won't go into the details since it's quite personal and i dont want to step into people's toes. but things on the homefront in my perspective are quite misplaced.

i've been keeping quiet so as not to put pressure into involving hubby. my planner/diary has been a silent witness to all my rants and complaints. i've stood my ground, sticking to my decision, hoping that hubby can also see my side before he could go and make his own. at least he could weigh the options better.

an added responsibility other than or own family is quite too much to handle right now and added pressure won't remedy the situation. especially on our end.

and as much as possible, i would prefer if we could focus first on wiping out our debts this year to finally save up for our family and soon move out to our own home. it's time for us to be independent. and the best bet for this is to move to another country. avoid all the drama, the issues and the negativity.

as selfish at that may sound but i think we deserve that. since we have a family of our own, we have to focus on our priorities and expenses. other things take a backseat in the meantime. we are in fact raising 3 kids, another mouth to feed or sustain isn't practical right now. especially those who don't know how to reciprocate even in kindness and kind words.

a little pocket of time

goodness! i have so much stuff to blog about but the moment i get my hands on my laptop and start typing away, my precious bunso starts fussing and cries. so everything takes a backseat when my kids call for attention.

the past few days have been quite a rollercoaster of a ride. been feeling high and low in a span of minutes. i'd hate to blame this on the contraceptive i'm having because it wasn't stated as a side effect that i'll be having any mood swings. i guess with the current situation our family is facing right now made me all the more sensitive.

and since i have a little pocket of time while the kids are still asleep, i shall attempt to even create one blog post/story in my to do list. this does not count by the way.

Life

sometimes having a conversation with my almost 4 year old son is much better than conversing with people my age or older. things make more sense with a 4 year old than a regular adult... for some reason, there's perspective.

some people are never satisfied

i Plurked my sentiments about some people abusing how much kindness and consideration you have inside that they tend to push you up against the wall and keep on asking for more.

i am a person who is patient. but if you push me too far i can snap. we are in fact human after all.

last night: ranting inside my head

mental note to self: avoid smoky and stuffy places to avoid a very bad allergic rhinitis attack.

and on our way home, i have been asked three times if i was ok, but obviously, just by looking at me, it was looking really bad. i was sniffling, sneezing and scratching my nose. it was the worst. but i managed to answer the three questions with consistency: i can't breathe properly at all.

and all the while, i thought that we were rushing to get home so that i could properly rest and clear my stuffy nose. but lo and behold, we were in fact rushing to the mcdonalds drive through.

sure, he bought food for himself since i don't have the strength to eat anymore. again, he asked if i was ok. i said i can manage i just want to get home. i was thinking, if i said i wasn't would that change anything? would he not go to mcdonalds and instead head home? of course not. he'd still order food while i struggle to clear my nose.

and before this happened i had to endure 30 minutes of waiting for them to finish chatting knowing that the bill has been paid and i have been telling him i was having a hard time breathing because i was having an allergy attack.

but of course, someone has to be the sacrificial lamb - as always. when will i get the chance that i get to sacrifice the lamb?

-rant over-

i never realized until last night that it has been months since i last cried that hard. and how it felt to be free from all the things that had bothered me, things that have been plaguing me, things that cannot be resoved on my own. all it needed was one moment to vent out how i felt.

how, much i have been needing a little more attention than other people. i just hope that ater what happened last night, some things would change. that things won't turn out like a litany of what i want, but then left heard and no follow through.

it was a good cry. it was a good conversation.

hopefully, starting today, i won't cry the way i did last night.

late for a meeting. i hate it!

one of my pet peeves is being tardy. as much as possible, i make sure to arrive on time. my being tardy often happens when there's an assigned vehicle. you have to wait for it as compared to commuting where you have full control on what time to leave. this is what i love about commuting, i can plan out what time i should leave, the estimated arrival time factoring in the traffic and other scenarios.

and this is one incident where i was fuming inside. i had a 230pm meeting in makati with a client. here in our office, we reserve vehicles a day before to take us to our meetings. unfortunately due to the cost cutting measures our office mandated, we had to make do with sharing vehicles with other people or having the driver drop off the first person then pass by for the next in the office to be taken to their destination. i'm not complaining about the procedure. i totally agree with it, with the weekly gas price increase, it's really going to be hell.

what i hate is the organization of the trips. i just found out on the day itself that i was scheduled with a trip all the way to alabang at 1230. take note mine is at 200pm. (i always include a 30 minute leeway) so i called the driver up and asked him if he's in the office already. but what do you know, he's stuck in traffic in Magallanes. i didn't pry as to what time he left and if he made little stop overs along the way. strike one: he answered in a cool manner like it didn't matter if i would be late for my meeting. stike two: called him after 30 mins (yes i was still in the office patiently waiting for him) took 4 rings to answer and said, mam nasa edsa pa ako. and he hung up. nice. strike three: when i was finally able to go to my meeting (thank god the person i was meeting with was still in a meeting) he had the guts to say that i shouldn't take long since he has to go back to alabang and fetch the one who was the cause of my tardiness!

the nerve! he was even trying to make small talk and making funny quips. which was rewarded with silence from yours truly.

this is absolutely annoying that i was late for a meeting that i scheduled. but was ruined by people who do not have any decency to know that our meetings are very important. palibhasa kasi nasa office lang sila lagi.

-rant over-

how music soothes the tired and weary soul

thank god for yahoo launchcast. and the music it spills out especially the top hits of the 90's requires two thumbs up.

one song after the other is a walk down memory lane when i was younger and had no clue what the lyrics meant. as long as the melody matched my mood, i was fine.

now listening to them all over again, the melody takes a backseat and the lyrics take centerstage. oh how it hits right places and emotions. sapul talaga.

in a way, it calms and uplifts me at the same time.

thank you music for being a constant companion.

~
apologies for all the drama, but i'm just going through some rough patches in life, work and everything else. i need to do some alignment.

so busy lately it's not even funny anymore. but i love the challenge. it takes my mind off this thing that has been bothering me the whole week.

~

now i'm really hell-bent on looking for a job abroad. something that would really motivate me. finally, in one way or another, my family's plans will push through.

~

it's quite comforting that even if i can't see my bestfriend that often, somewhere across the city, she knows what i'm feeling and i feel the same way for her. that we are both, somewhere in the middle of things that are quite tearing us apart inside. she may not know all the details, i may not know all about hers, but in some cosmic way - we understand. all it needs is a quick email, and a lot of cyber hugs.

so ple, must meet up soon! coffee or something?

~

this one doesn't deserve a title. a quick rant.

i'm quite pissed off at kyle's service, for the past 2 days they have been consistent in picking kyle up past 730am and his class starts at 8.

when in fact aishi spoke with the owner, he was assured that the scheduled time for pick up is around 7am.

and in the 2 days they were late, i called the owner up and all i got was the same reply: "mam papunta na po diyan. kanina pa po nakaalis". and to think they're also a service for kids studying in don bosco. and for a fact i know, (but i stand corrected here) that their classes start at 7 (that's for the flag ceremony etc..)

i'm just pissed really. petty perhaps but it still pisses me off.

i just hate it when people commit a certain time but never fulfills that promise.

i may be gulity of this sometimes, but i do have the decency to inform the person that i'll be arriving late if certain situations cannot be avoided.

is it that hard to tell someone that you're running late?

and yeah, even kyle is getting pissed off. mana talaga sa nanay. hehe i just hope this won't happen again or else, the whole morning routine will get ruined.


ok moving on...

RIP nike watch - an update

surprisingly, the watch appeared today. when MIL was going through the things in the bodega, which yesterday morning i rummaged through before going to work empty-handed. magic? divine intervention? or just plain guilt and karma? take your pick.

i guess someone, had a few sleepless nights of guilt.

so now, i'm happy. and i thought it will forever remain a memory. thanks mommy! thanks karma!

and today has been the happiest wednesday yet. =)

~~~

the nike watch aishi gave me disappeared. in his own home. and i guess this happened while we were sleeping.

sneaky sneaky.

it would've been ok had it not been aishi's xmas gift to me. it was a gift! not a spur of the moment purchase. it was a gift, given out of love.

i hope who ever took it, would have a change of heart. and i will not punish nor torment the person. i'm sure karma will serve something right.

what goes around, comes around.

now i'm watch-less all over again, just when i was enjoying having a watch on my wrist again...

bulleted thoughts

pardon the ranting. i'm having the worst friday ever

> ni thank you man lang wala akong narinig sa iyo, tapos sa akin pa ang blame kasi mas inuna niyo ang bakasyon kasya sa bagay na mas importante. malay ko ba kung pano ang sistema. malay ko ba doon. i was just doing you a favor and this is what i get? ako pa ang mali after following instructions from you, him and the person concerned. ako pa ang mali? ayos.

> ikaw naman, i was very gracious and kind in lending our laptop (take note, hindi sa akin sa pamilya ko) pero the thought of using it like your own and even bringing it to school without asking permission from me or hubby, it was just low. i'm sorry i won't be that trusting again. ever. pag nasira yan, hindi naman ikaw ang pagagalitan eh. and besides, important files ang andyan, thesis ng kapatid ko, pictures ng mga anak ko, files ng parents ko. LAHAT.

> naloloka ako sa iyo. ang gulo mong kausap! ayaw mo kasi makinig sa mga sinasabi ko at tuloy ka pa rin sa gusto mong mangyari. pero may onting fault naman ako, pero ginawa ko naman yung suggestion na yun para sa pakinabang natin 2 eh. kikita tayo dun. eh ikaw ang nag decide na wag na. so ngayon palabok na lahat. naman!! ayusin mo na yan! pabor na nga lahat sa inyo eh.

> sana hindi totoo ang mga nababalitaan ko. baka ikaw ang maging reason ng pagbagsak ko sa depression. sana lang. pero deep inside bakit feeling ko totoo? kahit naman i-deny mo, ako pa rin ang talo eh. pero ang daming magiging apektado pag totoo nga. san pa kaya ako pupulutin nyan?

this is one of those days that i wish i'm living in a different country far away from everything. can i please have something positive in my life? a clean slate to work with perhaps?

goodbye galle, you've been great

in the 4 months i have been working, you have been a great source of solitude and ideas as i walk your tiled floors thinking of creative ideas.

you have been good, but sadly i must bid you farewell, and see you again when i do get the chance to walk your halls and window shop in your stores.

now it's time to move on. this time to a real office in a building with elevators and where you have to go to the ground floor from the 6th floor for a quick yosi break.

i/we shall miss you.

been awfully busy. i miss my blog. a lot of thoughts have been in stored and waiting to be blogged about. but, work has to come first to pay for the bills. =)

pending tags

to those who tagged me, so sorry! but i really don't have the time as of now to do them, but promise, when i get my much needed downtime (especially here in the office) i'll be sending you guys some love. =)

but please, keep those tags coming! one of the things that keep me sane.

mwah mwah!

LP# 5: Malungkot

sa mga pagkakataon na abutan ka ng lungkot, minsan ay mahuhuli mo ang sariling nakadungaw sa bintana. tulala. nagiisip.

ang pag dungaw sa bintana ay mistulang mga rehas ng kulungan ng iyong kalungkutan. hindi ka makawala, at makakilos ng lubusan. ikaw ay nilalamon ng mga pag iisip na nakakasira ng iyong pagiisip. na ang mga bagay sa labas ay tila abot ng iyong mga kamay ngunit malayo pa rin dahil sa mga nakaharang na rehas ng bintana at ng iyong kalungkutan.

paumanhin po sa masalimuot na akda. ang tema ngayon ay sadyang angkop sa aking kalagayan. miss na miss ko na ang mga chikiting ko dahil sila ay nagbabakasyon sa kanilang lola kaya ganito na lang ang lungkot sa aking puso. bilang ina, mahirap mawalay sa anak kahit na ba 2 jeep lang na pagpasahe ang layo nila sa akin. mahirap matulog ng hindi naamoy ang kanilang mga nakakagigil na halimuyak. ngunit alam ko naman na sa mga darating na araw eh makikita ko sila at balik sigla na ulit ang kanilang ina.

all I want right now, at this moment is to escape. Be free from all the negativity, the worry, the sadness, the ill thoughts.

I just want peace

I’m not one who can deal with stress like normal people would. I would detach myself from everything until everything around me gets affected. Which I am not even aware of. Unintentionally of course. For being so detached that I tend to not focus on anything. Just be blank. And wish that things weren’t real. I tend to be zombie like until I get numb. And the things and situations around me become routine that I just go through them day in and day out.

As much as I would love to talk about it and shout it out to those who would listen without being judgmental. I simply can’t because, they will get judgmental. They will think bad thoughts. They will speak behind our backs. They will ruin us.

As much as I would want to sweep things under the rug and forget about it. I can’t. it won’t let me.

I suck at this. I’ve been keeping to myself a lot of issues but in the end it’s still me who loses. It’s still me who gets hurt. It’s still me crying alone when everybody’s sleeping. It’s still me who has to deal with it. It’s still me.

How can I stay positive when these things have been plaguing me the first time I heard it. I was quite grateful that I was able to know about it rather than be left all alone in the dark and oblivious.

It’s so painful. I never imagined that this would happen. As much as I would want to not think about it since there is still no validity in all of this. It’s still hard. People are involved. A lot of relationships will get ruined. A lot of issues will surface. And I can’t handle that.

I always thought that I was one of the lucky ones to lead a semi perfect life. But I guess it will never happen if this thing is proven.

I just can’t deal really. It’s all too new and scary and shocking and depressing all at the same time.

I told myself never to go back being depressed but with the way things are turning out, I can’t seem to do that. I’ve been having a hard time getting the sleep I need and this is not what I need right now. This is adding fuel to the fire. I can’t even tell the people I’m close to. They might understand but they won’t fully understand because even I can’t understand it. How will I get myself across when I haven’t seen the other side?

I just need the strength right now. Getting it from where, I don’t know. I still have to find that. I’ve lost all motivation and I have to retrace my steps and find my way back. But I guess the birds must have eaten the bread crumbs. And I’m lost in the middle of a forest.

Help me get through this.

not 100% functional

down with the flu and almost using up a pack of tissues in a day, how can i be a hundred percent? along with the erratic temperature here in the office, one minute is hot and sticky, the next is the north pole.

and then there's this unexplainable feeling inside me (jebs? nah.) my body feels like 2x its normal weight. i feel like 140 pound heavy and quite sluggish.

must be the colds and stress?

i want this to be over.

bad drivers should be hanged

like this guy:

to the driver of the grey tamaraw fx with the plate number UAX 752 i have something to say to you:

i hope one day your impatience and arrogance will pay off. that one day we see you again. this time you getting caught for any driving violation. you deserve it big time.

we were simply following traffic regulations and were basically waiting for our turn (the stoplights at rockwell / colpal area are not functioning so we only rely on the good old guards/traffic aides of bel air/rockwell. but you impatiently kept on honking your horn at us for at least 4 times. and please consider that it was traffic. cars can't simply fly mister.

and you trying to cut us when we were finally given the chance to go. tsk. your hot-headedness
will get you no where but into more trouble.

i hope later on the way home we won't "bump" into you again.

be careful with this driver. such arrogance and impatience but really nothing to brag about.

or maybe he was having a bad stomach and was looking for the nearest toilet. ha!

karma will be a bitch to you. i promise.